Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes

I have this thing I do to relieve stress when I have to put up with annoying people—and I had to put up with a lot of annoying people, on a daily basis, when I worked in retail. So I do this thing where I write a story about the annoying asshole getting abducted by aliens, typically in a really embarrassing fashion. (Names are changed to protect the guilty.)

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I’ve written about two former bosses, and countless customers. (Some of the crazy customers also inspired other types of stories, including the world for my first novel, Stupid Humans.) I’ve had a few people tell me they hope they never piss me off because they don’t want to wind up in one of my alien abduction stories.

So today I was thinking about how I could use my talents to get more Facebook likes grow my blog following to the double digits help make the world a better place. I’m not the warm and fuzzy type who’s going to start making inspirational memes with rainbows and waterfalls and happy crappy quotes about having a positive attitude and other bullshit. In fact, you’re more likely to find me making fun of that shit. Also, unfortunately, I have not yet been able to tweak my tinfoil hat to the right frequency to contact any real aliens and enlist their help with the asshole exile process, so that’s a no-go.

But I can make the world a better place by helping others relieve stress the same way I do—by putting the people who annoy them most into an alien abduction story. After all, relieving the stress of dealing with assholes by writing about them has helped me avoid the worse stress of assault charges and being fired for telling off a customer, so I’m assuming it can do the same for other people.

So here’s the quadruple-A plan (the alcoholics get the double-A and the car service gets the triple-A, but no one has the quadruple A, right?): Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes. All you have to do is share this post (here on my blog or on social media when I share it) and I will write you a piece of flash fiction about aliens abducting the annoying asshole of your choice. You do not have to publicly explain who you want as an abductee in a story or why they’re an asshole and need to be abducted by aliens. You can PM me or use the contact form here:

Simple explain, as briefly as possible, who the abductee is and why you want them to be abducted by aliens. I will change the annoying asshole’s name, and you will not be mentioned when I post my piece of flash fiction, but you will recognize the character when you read about him/her. Each piece of flash fiction will go up on my blog, and your annoying asshole will be none the wiser.

I am not anticipating a large response, but in the unlikely event that I have one, I may not be able to get to every request. If that is the case, I will go in order of requests received.

Review of Stranger Things

I had high hopes for the new Netflix scifi series set in the eighties, Stranger Things. Unfortunately I expected it to be somewhat better than it was, although it did have some good aspects.

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Stranger Things begins with four middle-school age boys playing a game, before the big-haired mom (I can only imagine how high Aqua Net’s stock was in the eighties) tells her son’s friends it’s time to go home. Walking back with their bikes, the boys split up, and Will finds himself being chased by…something. We don’t really get a good look at it this early in the show. He races home, where he attempts to hide out in the tool shed. Ultimately, he disappears and his three friends team up to find him.

Meanwhile, local police chief Jim (David Harbour) helps Will’s mom Joyce (Winona Ryder) and older brother Jonathan search for him, although half the time, the boys do a better job of investigating their friend’s disappearance. Meanwhile, they meet a mysterious girl they name Eleven, who seems to have super powers, sending people flying through the air and making a bully pee his pants.

In other news, because apparently the producers of this show felt the need to go after the CW audience in addition to scifi/horror fans, Jonathan falls for Nancy, the older sister of one of Will’s friends, who is dating a douchebag named Steve. In true horror movie fashion, she and Steve have sex while her friend Barb gets kidnapped by the same monster that took Will. Seriously, why couldn’t the monster eat Steve? Or this entire annoying subplot?

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Midway through the series, the cops find a body that Joyce identifies as Will, and a funeral is held. However, Joyce is still convinced Will is talking to her through blinking Christmas lights in her living room, and his friends are similarly sure he’s still hanging around.

***Spoiler Alert***

Jim breaks into the morgue and discovers Will’s body is fake and full of stuffing. He and Joyce eventually track the monster/invisible presence of Will to a top-secret government installation. We learn the the government scientists were using Eleven in some sort of experiment where she utilizes a sensory deprivation tank to visit a poorly-explained parallel universe. Apparently the government wanted Eleven to spy on the Russians, but instead she ran into an Alien-esque monster—slime and all—that chased her back to our universe and started kidnapping people. There’s now a big gaping hole between the two universes, although Will is trapped in the alternate one. Eventually Joyce and Jim are able to free him, Eleven destroys the monster and presumably either dies or disappears into the other universe, and life goes back to normal—sort of.

I like parallel universe stories, but Stranger Things doesn’t really do it justice. Of all the places they could have gone with this, slimy-monster-chasing-people is about the least imaginative option around, but there you go. Plus you have to wonder about the intel this government agency was trying to gather on the Russians. If Eleven is spying on another country in an alternate universe, how would they know if the info she learns is also true in this one? I would have loved to see a better-thought-out story involving an alternate history of the cold war, but instead we got…a slimy monster chasing people. Because why write anything resembling an intelligent plot when you can have monsters and slime, right?

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Personally, I would have preferred more delving into the alternate universe and the government spy angle, and less slimy monsters with no motivation except that they needed a slimy monster to kidnap/kill people, and less boring teen romance drama.

The end does leave the door open for a second season, so maybe I’ll get my wish in season two. Meanwhile, I did like the concept, and would like to see some of the characters developed further next season, as part of a better-written plot.

Stellar Sarcasm

What is Stellar Sarcasm?

I’m V. R. Craft, author of the comical science fiction novel Stupid Humans. Earlier today, I was searching for a name for my author blog when a friend suggested Stellar Musings. Because I have a thing for alliteration, and because my stories so often involve sarcasm inspired by human stupidity, I decided to go with Stellar Sarcasm.

A Little About Me

I spent many years working in retail. As a result, I learned that a majority of the population is not very bright. If you don’t believe me, if you think I’m exaggerating, I would encourage you to get a job working with the public. Seriously, explain to someone that a store can’t take back a paper shredder they tried to use as a food processor now that it’s clogged up with mozzarella, then tell me I’m wrong.

Once, after a particularly hard day of dealing with dummies, I started thinking about how much I wanted to ship all the idiots to another planet. Then I realized there were way more of them, and it would be easier to let the idiots have Earth and move the smart people somewhere else. That’s how I came up with the idea for Stupid Humans: I imagined a world where all the intelligent people had left Earth—and we’re what’s left. (Admit it, that would explain a few things…)

Another subject I thought about a lot when working in retail was alien abduction. Some of the time, I wished aliens would abduct me so I wouldn’t have to be nice to another damn idiot who didn’t believe me that a wireless printer had to be plugged in, even after I explained how wifi works. Sometimes I wished aliens would abduct a customer, like the woman who demanded I call her credit card company and ask them how close she was to her limit (like they’d tell a total stranger her limit). I wondered if aliens on other planets had automated stores, so no one ever had to deal with irritating customers.

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I no longer work in retail, but I still like to share my sarcasm and poke fun at the stupidity and absurdity of the human race—as well as a few alien characters I invent from time to time. I also enjoy the contact sport of shopping for bargains, haggling for a better price, and wasting time on the internet, where I find material for a sequel to Stupid Humans every day.