Annoying Alien Abductions: I Have a Plan

Note: This story was first published on Errin Krystal’s Saturday Showcase. It’s part of a series of science fiction short stories in which I imagine annoying people abducted by aliens.



“Yeah, I have a plan.”

“Is it a good one?”

“I have a plan.”

Great. Most of my friend Charlie’s plans go like that. This is probably the worst one I’ve ever heard though.

“Charlie, I don’t think I understand. Why do we need to kidnap an alien again?”

He rolls his eyes and pushes his glasses back up his nose. “Because we’ll be the first humans ever to kidnap an alien instead of the other way around.”

“You don’t really think—”

“That we’ll get away with it?”

“That… what?”

Charlie squints at his phone, which is set to some app that displays the rear camera and a bunch of blinking things. “There are all sorts of laws about kidnapping U.S. citizens and foreign nationals. But nothing about kidnapping aliens.”

“Um….I’m not sure that defense would hold up in court.” I follow him down the sidewalk toward the shopping center. Truthfully, we’re only friends because he’s the only person I know who’s a halfway challenging opponent at Intergalactic Dragon Wars, and the sooner I convince him to give up the alien hunt, the sooner we can start playing. “If we get caught, some alien rights’ group will probably pop up in five seconds, I promise.”

It makes more sense than convincing him there aren’t any real aliens. I mean, no one’s even spotted a shooting star or a weather balloon or strange lights in the sky or anything lately, why would there be aliens just chilling at the mall?

“What is that app, anyway?” I ask as we walk through the sliding glass doors.

“It’s called Alien Tracker. It’s free in the app store. You should download it.”


“Oh…so it’s a game?” Just when I thought Charlie had finally gone off the deep end. What the hell, I was sick of those yellow blobs, anyway.

Charlie finally tears his eyes away from the phone long enough to roll them at me. “Of course not. This is an app for serious alien hunters, Jamie.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Is it endorsed by Miss Cleo?”

“Miss Cleo is dead, and that’s a whole other fandom.”

“If her fans believe in psychics who talk to dead people, why would that matter?” My fandoms include any group that sponsors a never ending argument over whether Star Trek or Star Wars is better (I’m #teamTrek), and the reality show Who Wants To Write A FanFic? I have no interest in psychics.

“Like I said, not my fandom.” He stops in front of a clothing store pumping the latest hit by some boy band singing in bad falsettos.

“The alien is hanging out in there?” Imagine traveling light-years to listen to a bunch of cookie-cutter guys moan “Oohh, baby, baby” into a microphone. Maybe I shouldn’t be so critical of humanity.

“Yep.” He points at the screen. “See that red X near the back of the store? That’s our alien.”

“Right.” But I follow Charlie into the store, jerking him out of the way right before he can walk into a mannequin’s outstretched arm.

A salesperson pops out from behind a clothing rack. I can only describe her as bouncy—bouncy curls, bouncy boobs, bouncy personality.

“Hi-ih, welcome to The Zipper, what can we dress you in today?”

I fucking hate bouncy people.

“We’re just looking.” Charlie ducks around her and heads toward the back, and I start after him.

Bouncy hops in front of me, obviously deciding I’m more serious about buying clothes in this place than he is. “What are you looking for today? I can help you find something while your boyfriend plays his game.”

Yes, that’s right, just assume women are interested in clothes and guys are interested in games. Way to set feminists back twenty years, Bouncy.

“He’s not my boyfriend, and I’m really just browsing.” I duck around her. Maybe if Charlie discovers there’s no alien in here, we can go home and I can kick his ass at an actual game.

“This would look great on you,” she yells after me.

I walk faster, but it doesn’t do any good. Bouncy pops back into my path, several pairs of jeans that all look identical in her arms. “I’ll just start you a dressing room.”

I open my mouth to tell her I don’t want to try anything on and I’m not wearing that ugly crap and I really don’t want any help, but then I realize if she goes to start me a dressing room she’ll get the hell out of my way and I don’t have to explain to mall security that I punched her in self-defense because she was threatening my sanity. “Sure.”

She bounces off and I hurry to catch up with Charlie. I find him in a corner by the dressing rooms, staring perplexedly at a rack of overpriced purses with various designs in tassels, rhinestones, and, in one case, selfie sticks. “It’s supposed to be right here.”

“Well, clearly it isn’t.” I wave at the purses. “Now, why don’t we just go play Intergalactic Dragon Wars? Maybe I’ll let you win this time.”

I will do no such thing, but I want to get him out of this store.

“But the app says it’s here.” He points at the red X.

“Maybe there are too many people hunting aliens right now and the system overloaded, causing a malfunction.”

“Yeah, I guess…wait, let me just check the dressing rooms. Maybe the alien is in there.”

“Uh… I don’t think the girls in there would appreciate you peering under the doors and checking to see if they’re aliens.”

“You’re right, they wouldn’t appreciate me doing that.” He scrunches his face up, his usual begging look. “Pleeeeease, Jamie? Just make sure the alien’s not in there, and I promise I’ll play as many rounds of Intergalactic Dragon Wars as you want, even though I know you’re not really going to let me win.”

I sigh. “They’re not going to appreciate me looking under the doors to make sure they’re not aliens, either.”

He shrugs. “You don’t have to look under the doors. Just knock on them and ask if they can come out for a minute so you can look in the stall, because you think you left your phone in there or something.”

“As many rounds as I want?”

He nods enthusiastically.

“Okay.” I duck into the hallway, slip past a male mannequin wearing a straw hat and some sort of Hawaiian shirt, and reach for the first door.

“Oh, I have you a stall down he-ere,” a bouncy voice yells from the other end.

I turn and face Bouncy with a fake smile. “Thanks.”

She waves at an open door, and I can’t think of a reason why I would need to check a stall I haven’t used yet, so I go into the one with the hideous jeans and leave the door open a crack so I can watch Bouncy leave.

Once she’s gone, I slip out, squat down, and look to see which stalls have feet in them. Only one does, the one at the end. First I try the other doors, but they’re all locked—I guess this is one of those stores where the salesperson has to let you in.

I wander down to the last stall and knock.

“Hi, sorry to disturb you, but I think I left my phone in there and I really need to take a selfie of myself in these jeans.” I try to imitate Bouncy’s chipper voice.

“I don’t see it.”

“Well, can you step out for a minute just so I can look and make sure it didn’t, um, fall under the bench or something?” My stall had a bench along the wall, no doubt mean to hold all those extra pairs of identical-looking jeans some girls need to try on, so I assume they all have one. “The light’s better out here anyway, and they have one of those three-way mirrors.”

I hear a groan, and a minute later girl I’d describe as Bouncy Junior pops out. She saunters over to the three-way mirror and checks out her own rhinestone-studded ass as I duck into the stall and look under the bench. No alien hiding there, big surprise—but I had to keep up the pretense, didn’t I?

“Thanks anyway,” I say with a shrug.

She goes back into the stall, and I head to the end of the hallway. Just as I pass the mannequin and start to turn the corner, a cold, clammy hand wraps around my elbow.

I whip my head around, and stare into the dull, lifeless eyes of the mannequin. What the hell? Who’s holding my arm?

I look down. It’s the mannequin. The mannequin’s fingers are wrapped around my arm. But they don’t feel like mannequin fingers, they feel as malleable as human hands.

Oh great, this must be some new way The Zipper keeps customers from leaving without buying anything—some sort of animated mannequin stops you from leaving the dressing room empty-handed. Seriously? I’m writing a Yelp review about this.

The mannequin grips my left arm, so I reach out with my right hand and grabs its cold fingers, pulling them back one by one. I wonder what kind of technology—

“You’re not going anywhere,” the mannequin growls, and I’ll admit that makes me jump. It’s other arm swings forward and grabs my right shoulder, designer bag swinging aimlessly as its elbow straightens.

“Get your fucking hands off me.” I reach up and grab the mannequin by the throat. I bet the if I rip the head off, the controls are inside and I can shut this overzealous robot down in five seconds flat.

That’s when the formerly lifeless eyes blink, and I’m staring at two red lasers. Must be sensors of some sort. I manage to wrestle my right arm free and stab two fingers at the red dots, kicking the mannequin in the stomach at the same time. It flies backward, toward the wall—

Taking me with it, because the damn thing still doesn’t let go.

But the wall isn’t really a wall, it’s some sort of trap door, and I find myself lying on top of the dummy, pounding my fist into its face. “Let go of me or I’m telling all eight hundred of my Facebook friends never to shop in this hellhole again!”

“Stop that, you’re hurting me,” the mannequin says, its face loosening. It’s almost like the plastic or whatever it’s made of melts a little, becoming fluid. Meanwhile, the fingers feel like steel spikes squeezing my arms.

“Let. Go. Of. Me!” This thing has to have an off switch somewhere. I rip off the floppy hat and toss it aside, the fingers clawing at my arms, and take another stab at the eyes. Only this time, I just cover them with my hand, trying to blind the damn thing.

It lets go of one arm to flail at its face, and I push off its chest and jump up, but it still has my other arm in a death grip, so I can’t straighten up all the way.

How anatomically correct is this thing, anyway?

I pick up my foot and stomp down on the crotch of the mannequin’s swim trunks as hard as I can.

“Aaagghhh!” It screams, and I wonder why no one has heard the racket. Oh, of course, this room is soundproof. I can’t heard the stupid boy band anymore.


I keep stomping, and the mannequin finally lets go of my arm. I wrench away and whip around, but the door is gone. What the fuck?

But I’m not an idiot, and I know whenever some stupid woman in a horror movie turns her back on the apparently-disabled serial killer, he’s standing up and coming after her—

I whirl back around, and the mannequin is on his knees now, reaching under the Hawaiian shirt with one hand.

For a weapon?

I step to the side, looking for something to hit him with, but the room is as bare as my bank account—nothing but gray walls, gray ceiling, gray floor.

Great. I’m locked in an empty room with a demented robot intent on selling me ugly jeans.

“What do you want?” I stall for time.

He pulls his hand out from under the shirt, his hand gripping what looks like an unusually long stylus. That can’t be good. “I want you. You’re a rare human, and if I capture you, I’ll make it into the finals.”

“What?” I pat the wall behind me. Surely there’s a catch that makes the door open again, right?

“You don’t know how hard it is to find the rare humans, the smart ones.” It taps the long stylus, and a bright red light appears on the end pointed at me. “The game officials should be here to collect you soon. There’s no point trying to escape, that doorway will only open for me.”

“What game officials?” I slide my hand into my back pocket, fingers closing around my phone.

“The ones who will collect you and grant me the win. There’s no point trying to use your communication device, it won’t work,” he adds, nodding at my right hand. My left grips the key fob in my other pocket.

“What?” I pull my phone out and glance at the screen, keeping one eye on him. No bars. What the fuck?

“I know most humans have a communication device attached to their rear end. I assume you have charging ports installed there.” He gets to his feet and starts toward me.

I stay still until his hands grab my arms again, tugging my left hand out of my pocket, keys still in my fingers.

“You won’t be needing those.” He reaches for the keys.

I flick the blade out of the Swiss Army knife on my key ring and slash at his hand, cutting through the liquid-plastic whatever the hell it is. Surprisingly, he doesn’t bleed—the skin hardens as it peels away.

“Aaaaghhh!” He tries to grab the knife with his other hand, but I’m already stabbing at his face, slashing away at the fake skin there. He bats at my hands, and I find myself wrestling with him. If I keep stabbing at him, he might be able to grab me again, and he has a vise-like grip.

“Please, you’ll kill me!” He yells.

Well, that’s good to know.

“Aren’t you going to kill me?” I slash at the skin-suit on his arm then duck out of the way. “You think I feel badly for you? I don’t.”

The skin or whatever it is peels away easily. Beneath is a layer of pale gray skin, rapidly turning purple.

“That exo-skin is protecting me from the air here.” He doesn’t try to grab for the knife, but instead jerks the flap of skin away from me and tries to pull it back over himself, like a coat. It does stretch, sort of like Silly Putty.

“Why the fuck are you dressed like a mannequin and hiding out in a clothing store?” I point the knife at him as a warning not to come any closer.

He shakes his head. “Trying to capture the rare humans…the smart ones. There’s a very large bounty. The economy on my planet isn’t so great and I… I need the money.”

“How do you know who the rare smart ones are?”

He shakes his head. “The ones who find me, who hunt me down. That app—lots of people try it, but most give up. You touched me, so I knew you’d found me.

I brushed against a mannequin and he thinks I’m smart? Great. Just fucking great.

I step sideways, ducking as he tries to grab me again. Jabbing the knife at his midsection, I manage to tear a few inches of exo-skin there. “Tell me how to get out of this room.”

“I need the money.” He jumps away from the knife and presses a hand over the skin. “Please, you’ve already exposed me to too much of your air. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t rip off the rest of my environment suit, I could die in seconds.”

“Then tell me how to open that damn door.”

“I can open it.” He wheels around, circling me.

“Then do it.” I take a step back, facing the wall we fell through, and point at it with the knife.

“Let you out and let that horrible music in?”

So, he doesn’t like the boy bands, either.

Just then, the stylus thing makes a beeping noise. It must not be a weapon, or he would have done something other than point it at me by now. Communication device?

He looks at the end, which is now blinking blue. “They’re here. I just need to outlast you a few more minutes, and then the game officiators will come collect you and I get my prize. You and I both know if you get too close I’ll catch you. This suit also gives me the strength of ten humans.”

Damn. The odds of my tearing off enough of his suit to make him open the damn door without getting caught in his super-strong robot-hands don’t seem very good. What to do?

Distract him, just like in Intergalactic Space Dragons, right? With what? I don’t have any magic discs to throw—but maybe I do have a secret weapon.

I glance at my phone, still in my other hand, and thumb-tap the screen, turning it on. It appears to be functional, so I’m guessing he’s just blocking communications in and out of the room—except through the magic wand thing.

“That still won’t work.” He moves toward me and I dance away, jabbing in his direction with the knife, more to ward him off than because I think I’m going to hit him again.

Keeping my eyes on the alien, I tap a few more icons on the phone screen, only seeing it out of my peripheral vision. First, I turn the volume up all the way, then I navigate to my stored ringtones and hit one.

Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” blares from the phone. I may not be able to send or receive information, but I still have access to what’s stored on it, and I once downloaded that song not because I liked it, but so I could assign it as a ringtone to my loser ex-boyfriend. You can guess why.

The alien makes a screeching noise, worse than when I stabbed him, and covers his ears, letting the skin flap. “Noooooooo, make it stoooooop.”

I lunge at him, slashing from the top of his head down his face and into his chest from left to right as I jump out of the way. But it isn’t necessary, because he barely takes one hand off his head to grab at the flapping skin. As he pulls it back together, I see a large, top-heavy gray head with big black eyes—classic gray alien.

I consider trying to slash him again since the music is even more distracting than I thought, but then I realize it isn’t necessary. Clutching the skin flap with one hand and his head with the other, he crumples to the ground. “Please…make the music stop…it’s excruciatingly painful for my species.”

If I get out of here and sell my story to The Enquirer, I’ll be sure to list that as “Things We Have In Common With The Grays.”

“I can turn it off if you open the damn door.”

“Please…make it stop.” He covers both ears with his hands again, letting the skin flap.

“Only after I get out of here.” Since the volume is up all the way, I wave the phone closer to his head.

He pulls out the stylus thing, taps it three times rapidly, and a doorway appears in the wall behind him.

“Please don’t go,” he pleads as I step carefully around him, still clutching the knife and my phone in equal death grips.

“Try to kidnap anyone else, and I’ll tell everyone what your weakness is. Go hunt on some other planet.”  I back out and the door disappears almost immediately, as if it had never been there.

Blinking, I tap the wall. Nothing. Just a designer bag lying on the carpet where an ugly mannequin used to be.

And Justin Bieber singing “Sorry.”

I turn that off immediately, then bolt around the corner, back into the store. Charlie is still messing with the app.

“I give up,” he says, his eyes on the screen. “The red X just blinked out. It’s like the alien beamed back up or something. You were right, this is stupid. Are you ready to play Intergalactic Dragon Wars?”




Guest Blogger Liza O’Connor Talks AI’s and the Futuristic World of Her New Book, Scavenger’s Mission


Note: This week I take a break from aliens abducting annoying people and cede the floor to guest blogger Liza O’Connor, who tells us about the world from her latest science fiction novel, Scavenger’s Mission.

How MAC reads your mind.

MAC is a scary AI. It can read your mind, but not directly. It does it by projecting images of what you are thinking about in a room that is wall to wall sensors. When the average person realizes that whatever they think will appear on the wall, they will try NOT to think of the items they don’t want MAC to know, but that just highlights those memories.

Thus, for most people, the ethics assessment is an exhausting and brutal experience. Some have almost died from the assessment. It leaves no stone unturned.

It begins, letting the viewer believe they can control the images on the wall based on what they eat. (Lunch is served at the first of the test). But this sense of control soon ceases and upon discovering they have no control over what MAC sees, every bad thing they’ve ever done tends to show up.

Alisha is either an exceptionally good person or she’s very forgiving of her sins, because she scores higher in ethics than any Ryder has ever done. And she falls asleep at the end of her test. (Most are retching in the bucket located by their chair.)


Scavenger’s Mission

By Liza O’Connor


Meet Alisha: A young woman who refuses to live the life her parents want.

In a single month, Alisha Kane has gone from a wealthy debutante to street girl to scavenger. While testing her new flying skills in the Cully Canyon, Alisha incurs a near-death crash landing. She’s “rescued” by a colonel of the SkyRyders and her life changes forever.

Meet Logan: A SkyRyder colonel in charge of a sleepy fort with little to do other than arrest the occasional scavenger.

For the first time in his life, Logan’s attracted to a young woman, only she’s probably a scavenger and he’ll have to arrest her. But first he offers her a shower and food while he checks on his crew. His videographer has captured her extraordinary flight through the Cully and her flying is astounding!

He forgoes arresting her and puts his career at risk by asking MAC to assess her skills and integrity as a potential SkyRyder. If he can get Alisha into the SkyRyders, it will be his greatest contribution to the Corps.

Meet MAC: The Artificial Intelligence that runs the SkyRyders Corps.

Upon seeing her arrival, MAC upgrades Alisha’s test. Her flying skills are not just excellent; they exceed what was previously thought possible. MAC classifies her as its top asset and soon she proves her value.

But…the SkyRyders remain a male dominated Corps where Alisha’s sense of right and wrong often clashes with her superiors. How long can a rebellious young woman survive in a regimented Corps?


When Alisha completed the regs test, she ate her lunch in a windowless room with no furniture other than a chair, a small table and a trash can. She had barely taken a bite when images appeared on the walls. Some were terrible, some sensual, and others were funny.

Over time, Alisha sensed a pattern. The really horrible images followed every time she ate a portion of the meat. The sensual items appeared when she ate the vegetables, and the Jell-O brought up funny pictures. Alisha avoided the meat and enjoyed the remainder of her meal.

When she finished her lunch, an image of Colonel Logan appeared on the wall, which surprised her, because she’d just been thinking about him. He looked so stern, and then suddenly he smiled at her. She couldn’t help but smile back. Images of him carrying her out of the wind farm, tending her knee in the tub, examining her for injuries, and then the two of them sleeping appeared on the wall. How did they get those pictures? she wondered.

Suddenly the images were replaced with DC’s. Her smile disappeared. She watched as he slammed her against the corner of the bed, as he grabbed her breast and twisted her nipple. The image changed to the ridge. He flew above her and stalled her out on the rocks. The image repeated with a similar result on the second run. The third was different only because she had gained more altitude, but that just made her fall more spectacular and deadly. She re-lived the pain when the tree gave way and her knee smashed into the rock ledge. Her knee throbbed now.

The images changed to the fourth run, her crash into the wind farm and her failure to notice her blood trail until it was almost too late. Seeing the laser bead on her shoulder, she weaved through the wind turbines, trying to confuse the laser’s tracking sensor.

Alisha felt the same emotions as she watched herself—the same fear, the same fatigue, and the same hopelessness.


The SkyRyder’s Series, Book 1

Scavenger’s Mission


About the Author

Liza O’Connor lives in Denville, NJ with her dog Jess. They hike in fabulous woods every day, rain or shine, sleet or snow. Having an adventurous nature, she learned to fly small Cessnas in NJ, hang-glide in New Zealand, kayak in Pennsylvania, ski in New York, scuba dive with great white sharks in Australia, dig up dinosaur bones in Montana, sky dive in Indiana, and raft a class four river in Tasmania. She’s an avid gardener, amateur photographer, and dabbler in watercolors and graphic arts. Yet through her entire life, her first love has and always will be writing novels.



The Multiverse Series

Sci-Fi Soap Opera with humor, romance, and science

The Gods of Probabilities

Surviving Outbound

Surviving Terranue

Surviving Sojourn

Artificial Intelligence Series


Public Secrets

Birth of Adam

The SkyRyders Series

Sci-Fi Romance

Scavenger’s Mission

Scavenger Falters-coming 2017

Scavenger Vanishes-coming 2017

The Monument Makers

Note: Today is our next installment of Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes Anonymous, in which readers send me stories about annoying people they know, and I write a piece of flash fiction in which the annoying person gets abducted by aliens. Next up is an anonymously submitted tale about some construction workers who can’t be fired…by a human.

Instructions for submitting your own annoying asshole for consideration are at the end of this post.


The Monument Makers

“I don’t understand why this isn’t done already.” Chuck waved his arm around the construction site, past the half-poured foundation and the stacks of two-by-fours just waiting to be used.

“I don’t either.” Will sat down on the nearest pile of two-by-fours and took off his hard hat. “As I’ve mentioned before, Bubba Bob and Jimmy Bob and Billy Bob don’t have a good track record of getting things done. I’ve tried everything I can to motivate them, but I end up doing all the work myself. And this is as much as I could get done in the last eight hours.”

“Well, you’ve just got to work faster.” Chuck slapped his hand on the side of his pickup truck. “And get those three to help you.”

Will blinked. No matter how many times he explained the problem, Chuck never seemed to get it. “How? You won’t let me fire them, so I can’t threaten them with that. They sit around all day either on their phones or shooting the shit with each other. The only solution is to fire them. Building this site is not a one-person job, okay?”

Chuck shook his head. “I told you, we can’t fire them. Bubba Bob and Jimmy Bob are my wife’s brothers, and Billy Bob is her cousin. If I fire them, I won’t be able to go home.”

“Then why don’t you help me build this place?” Will waved at the single wall of frames that had been put up—by him alone. “Once it’s done you’ll have somewhere to sleep.”

Chuck did not look amused. “Why don’t you do your job and act like a real project manager? Manage the people, manage the project, Will. That’s your job, not mine. Now I want this thing done on the original schedule. Remember, I can fire you.”

Lucky me, Will thought as Chuck got back in his pickup and drove off in a cloud of dust.

“Guys, come on,” he yelled in the general direction of the middle-name-Bobs, as he thought of them. “Lunch break is over. We need to get back to work.”

“Yeah, in a minute.” Bubba Bob waved dismissively at him, then turned back to the other two and said something Will couldn’t hear. They all dissolved into laughter, Bubba Bob’s beer belly jiggling as he guffawed at whatever brilliant joke he’d just told.

Will trudged back over to the nearest pile of two-by-fours and picked one up. Might as well go back to working on the frame himself.

As he turned back toward the foundation, he blinked in surprise. There was another cloud of dust, which was odd, because he hadn’t heard another vehicle pull up.

This time, when the dust settled, he realized why—it wasn’t a vehicle, at least not one he’d ever seen on the road before. Instead, a saucer-shaped object floated about six feet above the ground.

Will dropped the two-by-four and rubbed his eyes, hoping the whole thing was some sort of stress-induced mirage. He turned and looked over his shoulder at the middle-name-Bobs, but they were still laughing and looking in the other direction, toward the highway. None of them looked over at Will or the apparent visitor to the site.

He turned back around and stared at the saucer. What looked like a trap door popped open, and a plank about three feet wide extended and lowered to the ground. Out walked a little gray alien, just like he’d seen in all those movies and TV shows. It had big, black eyes, a pinched-looking ridge that might have been a nose, and a small, round mouth.

“Hello,” it said. “I am Grog, and my translator allows me to speak your language.”

“Hello, uh, Grog.” Will rubbed his head. Maybe he was unconscious and dreaming this. Could a two-by-four have fallen on his head or something? It wasn’t like the middle-name-Bobs would have noticed or cared.

“We mean you no harm,” Grog said. “My people have decided this is the best place to build our new capital on your world.”

“Uh…right on top of our new apartment complex?”

Grog looked at the single wall frame. “That can be corrected. We need lots of space to spread out.”

“Um, have you, like, consulted our government? I think they may have some rules about illegal immigration.” Maybe he should have voted for that moron who wanted to build the wall after all. Then again, what good would a wall do when these people had spaceships? They could fly right over it.

“Our studies of your planet show none of your governments can outmatch us in weapons and technology,” Grog said. “Your leaders are consulting with the U.N. now, but their attempts to shoot down our ships have all failed. Our shields protect us.

“Now, we’re going to need your best construction team to build our new capital. We will provide the virtually indestructible materials, but your team must build it. We don’t have time.”

A light bulb went off in Will’s head. “Of course. Well, those three guys—” he pointed at the middle-name-Bobs. “—are the best people on my team. I hate to lose them, but I realize the important of building your capital. Also, there’s my boss, Chuck. I’ll give him a call. He really needs to be here to supervise your project.”

“Thank you.” Grog twisted its lips into what might have been a smile. “I think we’re going to like this planet.”

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.” Will pulled out his cell phone and found Chuck’s number. “Just as soon as you get your capital built. Say, could I have a look around your spaceship while my team over there gets started?”


All you have to do is share this post (here on my blog or on social media when I share it) and I will write you a piece of flash fiction about aliens abducting the annoying asshole of your choice. You do not have to publicly explain who you want as an abductee in a story or why they’re an asshole and need to be abducted by aliens. You can PM me or use the contact form here:

Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes Anonymous, Story #1: Brandy goes Bye-Bye

Note: Today begins our first installment of Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes Anonymous, in which readers send me stories about annoying people they know, and I write a story in which the annoying person gets abducted by aliens. First up is an anonymously submitted tale about an office worker who stinks…and gives her coworker the stink-eye.



Darryl hunched down over his computer, trying to breathe through his mouth. It was bad enough his cubicle-mate, Brandy, smelled like she hadn’t showered since the last time he used his phone to make a phone call. But now she was giving him the stink-eye, which was ironic considering she was the one who stank.

What did I ever do to her? Darryl had no idea. Well, he’d thought about leaving a stick of deodorant on her desk, but he never actually did it, so what was her problem?

His computer dinged to let him know a new message had arrived, and he clicked it on, leaning over and pulling his shirt over his nose as he did so. What did Brandy do, spray on Eau de Garbage every morning?

Signature needed urgently for shipment downstairs, read the message.

Finally! He could leave the cubicle! He almost breathed a sigh of relief, but decided to wait on taking a deep breath until he was clear of the cubicle.

He took the stairs, savoring the clean air, and walked slowly to the loading dock in the warehouse’s first floor, ambling past stacks of boxes and pallets of merchandise. At the door, he was greeted by a short man in a UPS uniform, brown cap pulled low over his face.

“Sign here.” The short man shoved the usual tablet at Darryl. His hands had a strangely grayish pallor. Was he sick? Maybe Darryl could catch whatever he had and spend a few sick days at home…away from Brandy. Better yet, maybe his nose would get stopped up and he couldn’t smell her!

“Sure, sure.” He signed and handed back the tablet. The delivery driver handed him a box and hurried back to his truck.

“OPEN IMMEDIATELY,” read a neon orange sticker on the box.

Darryl was in no rush to get back to his desk, so he sat down on the nearest pallet and tore into the box. Inside was a small, round, black device that he guessed to be some sort of Bluetooth speaker. Oddly, there was no packing slip or instructions of any kind. Was this for a customer shipment? Without proper documentation, he had no idea. Hopefully he’d get a phone call or email to explain it later.

After killing some time in the break room, drinking bad coffee and chatting with coworkers about the Lakers’ latest loss, he begrudgingly dragged himself back upstairs and returned to his cubicle, strange black device in tow.

The smell assaulted his nostrils and he sat down, dumping the device on the desk. Brandy turned, gave him a filthy look, and another wave of body odor hit him. She smelled somewhat like how he imagined roadkill smelled after baking on the highway in the July heat for four or five days. He nodded and turned back to his desk, slapping his tie over his nose. How many minutes until he could leave for lunch?

Just then, a noise from above caught his attention and he looked up, tie still draped over his nostrils.

His first thought was that the smell had driven him insane. He couldn’t actually be staring at a bright light pouring through a hole in the ceiling, or an Escalade-sized spaceship swooping through and hovering over Brandy’s desk.

She looked up with alarm. “What the hell?”

The spaceship was round and suspiciously saucer-shaped, with tiny lights studding the edges. It looked an awful lot like a prop from some old black-and-white science fiction movie. Darryl blinked several times, but it was still there, and then a hatch popped open on the side and an alien leaned out.

It was a little gray guy with a top-heavy head, large black eyes and a tiny, pinched nose which was probably an advantage so close to Brandy.

It pointed at her. “You must come with me.”

“I will not!”

“Our sensors picked up your scent. Your human suit is failing.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Brandy backed away, but the spaceship followed her, and the alien extended a hand with what looked like a small, oddly smooth handgun.

“I’m afraid you do. You escaped from us months ago, and you’d still be getting away with it, but I guess you didn’t know you have to shower regularly to keep your human suit from leaking your scent.” The gray alien pointed at her. “You will return to the garbage barge and resume serving your sentence.”

“This whole thing is crazy.” Brandy backed away. “I’m no alien.”

“Yes, you are, and the scent signature leaking from you suit confirms it.” The alien fired the weapon and Brandy slumped to the ground. It—Darryl had no idea how to tell the sex of an alien—hopped out of the spaceship, slung her over its shoulder like she weighed nothing, and climbed back up into the ship.

“What was she serving time for?” Darryl asked.

The alien paused, four-fingered hand on the doorframe. “She served on our governing council, and was caught misusing public funds. Unlike you humans, we don’t respond to that sort of offense by voting the politician in to another term—we remove them from office and sentence them to twenty years of servitude on a garbage barge. We do apologize for any inconvenience. Say, could you toss me that GPS device? Now that we’ve found her, we’d like it back.”

It pointed at the black “speaker.”

“Sure thing.” Darryl tossed it to the alien and gave him a friendly wave as the hatch closed and the ship flew away. Then he sat down, took a deep breath, and exhaled a sigh of relief.

The alien’s planet sounded nice. Maybe one day he’d take a vacation there.


Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes

I have this thing I do to relieve stress when I have to put up with annoying people—and I had to put up with a lot of annoying people, on a daily basis, when I worked in retail. So I do this thing where I write a story about the annoying asshole getting abducted by aliens, typically in a really embarrassing fashion. (Names are changed to protect the guilty.)


I’ve written about two former bosses, and countless customers. (Some of the crazy customers also inspired other types of stories, including the world for my first novel, Stupid Humans.) I’ve had a few people tell me they hope they never piss me off because they don’t want to wind up in one of my alien abduction stories.

So today I was thinking about how I could use my talents to get more Facebook likes grow my blog following to the double digits help make the world a better place. I’m not the warm and fuzzy type who’s going to start making inspirational memes with rainbows and waterfalls and happy crappy quotes about having a positive attitude and other bullshit. In fact, you’re more likely to find me making fun of that shit. Also, unfortunately, I have not yet been able to tweak my tinfoil hat to the right frequency to contact any real aliens and enlist their help with the asshole exile process, so that’s a no-go.

But I can make the world a better place by helping others relieve stress the same way I do—by putting the people who annoy them most into an alien abduction story. After all, relieving the stress of dealing with assholes by writing about them has helped me avoid the worse stress of assault charges and being fired for telling off a customer, so I’m assuming it can do the same for other people.

So here’s the quadruple-A plan (the alcoholics get the double-A and the car service gets the triple-A, but no one has the quadruple A, right?): Aliens Abducting Annoying Assholes. All you have to do is share this post (here on my blog or on social media when I share it) and I will write you a piece of flash fiction about aliens abducting the annoying asshole of your choice. You do not have to publicly explain who you want as an abductee in a story or why they’re an asshole and need to be abducted by aliens. You can PM me or use the contact form here:

Simple explain, as briefly as possible, who the abductee is and why you want them to be abducted by aliens. I will change the annoying asshole’s name, and you will not be mentioned when I post my piece of flash fiction, but you will recognize the character when you read about him/her. Each piece of flash fiction will go up on my blog, and your annoying asshole will be none the wiser.

I am not anticipating a large response, but in the unlikely event that I have one, I may not be able to get to every request. If that is the case, I will go in order of requests received.

Review of Stranger Things

I had high hopes for the new Netflix scifi series set in the eighties, Stranger Things. Unfortunately I expected it to be somewhat better than it was, although it did have some good aspects.


Stranger Things begins with four middle-school age boys playing a game, before the big-haired mom (I can only imagine how high Aqua Net’s stock was in the eighties) tells her son’s friends it’s time to go home. Walking back with their bikes, the boys split up, and Will finds himself being chased by…something. We don’t really get a good look at it this early in the show. He races home, where he attempts to hide out in the tool shed. Ultimately, he disappears and his three friends team up to find him.

Meanwhile, local police chief Jim (David Harbour) helps Will’s mom Joyce (Winona Ryder) and older brother Jonathan search for him, although half the time, the boys do a better job of investigating their friend’s disappearance. Meanwhile, they meet a mysterious girl they name Eleven, who seems to have super powers, sending people flying through the air and making a bully pee his pants.

In other news, because apparently the producers of this show felt the need to go after the CW audience in addition to scifi/horror fans, Jonathan falls for Nancy, the older sister of one of Will’s friends, who is dating a douchebag named Steve. In true horror movie fashion, she and Steve have sex while her friend Barb gets kidnapped by the same monster that took Will. Seriously, why couldn’t the monster eat Steve? Or this entire annoying subplot?


Midway through the series, the cops find a body that Joyce identifies as Will, and a funeral is held. However, Joyce is still convinced Will is talking to her through blinking Christmas lights in her living room, and his friends are similarly sure he’s still hanging around.

***Spoiler Alert***

Jim breaks into the morgue and discovers Will’s body is fake and full of stuffing. He and Joyce eventually track the monster/invisible presence of Will to a top-secret government installation. We learn the the government scientists were using Eleven in some sort of experiment where she utilizes a sensory deprivation tank to visit a poorly-explained parallel universe. Apparently the government wanted Eleven to spy on the Russians, but instead she ran into an Alien-esque monster—slime and all—that chased her back to our universe and started kidnapping people. There’s now a big gaping hole between the two universes, although Will is trapped in the alternate one. Eventually Joyce and Jim are able to free him, Eleven destroys the monster and presumably either dies or disappears into the other universe, and life goes back to normal—sort of.

I like parallel universe stories, but Stranger Things doesn’t really do it justice. Of all the places they could have gone with this, slimy-monster-chasing-people is about the least imaginative option around, but there you go. Plus you have to wonder about the intel this government agency was trying to gather on the Russians. If Eleven is spying on another country in an alternate universe, how would they know if the info she learns is also true in this one? I would have loved to see a better-thought-out story involving an alternate history of the cold war, but instead we got…a slimy monster chasing people. Because why write anything resembling an intelligent plot when you can have monsters and slime, right?


Personally, I would have preferred more delving into the alternate universe and the government spy angle, and less slimy monsters with no motivation except that they needed a slimy monster to kidnap/kill people, and less boring teen romance drama.

The end does leave the door open for a second season, so maybe I’ll get my wish in season two. Meanwhile, I did like the concept, and would like to see some of the characters developed further next season, as part of a better-written plot.

Stellar Sarcasm

What is Stellar Sarcasm?

I’m V. R. Craft, author of the comical science fiction novel Stupid Humans. Earlier today, I was searching for a name for my author blog when a friend suggested Stellar Musings. Because I have a thing for alliteration, and because my stories so often involve sarcasm inspired by human stupidity, I decided to go with Stellar Sarcasm.

A Little About Me

I spent many years working in retail. As a result, I learned that a majority of the population is not very bright. If you don’t believe me, if you think I’m exaggerating, I would encourage you to get a job working with the public. Seriously, explain to someone that a store can’t take back a paper shredder they tried to use as a food processor now that it’s clogged up with mozzarella, then tell me I’m wrong.

Once, after a particularly hard day of dealing with dummies, I started thinking about how much I wanted to ship all the idiots to another planet. Then I realized there were way more of them, and it would be easier to let the idiots have Earth and move the smart people somewhere else. That’s how I came up with the idea for Stupid Humans: I imagined a world where all the intelligent people had left Earth—and we’re what’s left. (Admit it, that would explain a few things…)

Another subject I thought about a lot when working in retail was alien abduction. Some of the time, I wished aliens would abduct me so I wouldn’t have to be nice to another damn idiot who didn’t believe me that a wireless printer had to be plugged in, even after I explained how wifi works. Sometimes I wished aliens would abduct a customer, like the woman who demanded I call her credit card company and ask them how close she was to her limit (like they’d tell a total stranger her limit). I wondered if aliens on other planets had automated stores, so no one ever had to deal with irritating customers.


I no longer work in retail, but I still like to share my sarcasm and poke fun at the stupidity and absurdity of the human race—as well as a few alien characters I invent from time to time. I also enjoy the contact sport of shopping for bargains, haggling for a better price, and wasting time on the internet, where I find material for a sequel to Stupid Humans every day.